wanderlust

There's this 1 post in Instagram that said the reasons why it is all so confusing, and all over the places, and flaky and inconsistent and can't seem to focus and suddenly don't give AF are because it is a response to stress, not personal failures of mine. I feel validated for an instance. I like that the reasons that it was so foggy is because brain believes that you need to be extremely adaptive and inconsistencies were coming from being unsure what news to brace for next, or what next month will hold. The reasons why suddenly I don't give AF is because being short-sighted is safer way to cope at that moment. 

Tbh I don't mind all the hardwork as long as I know it brings me to the destination and it gives me a sense of purpose. But more than ever, it feels surreal, and the milestone achieved doesn't feel personal or something I belong to. There's no ikhlas in doing it. I admit that's why there's no berkah in menuntut ilmu. Tbh it doesn't hurt much if someone didn't choose me. But the feelings of failing and inability to control things intellectually and emotionally kinda suck the energy out. It was hard to live in both inside and outside of the world, wanting to be free with a lot of unresolved things going under the blanket. Being unable to focus suck dry my inability to understand knowledge and my confidence...............is like I have to start from zero again. 

But that were all old stories. There were times where we were toxic to each others. 

I had my closure. I had to do wtv it takes. 

I love myself. I have grown so much. I have endured so much. I want to know you more in the future. Take it easy hajar. You have what it takes.