wanderlust

Found this note in my phone, dated back 20 February this year. I've written so many notes only for it to be deleted later, thus I figured out maybe it's the best if I posted it here. This is probably the rawest piece I've ever written at that point. It's an almost. Rationality at its least. An emotional coup d'état.

"I felt that the world Im creating has broken into pieces. Nothing makes sense. It doesnt fit to the reality. The world where everything explodes beautifully and patterns are in sync with each other, has shattered into nothing. All these explorations comes to nothing. I tried to make sense of it to the world im living in, but little by little I can see the cracks, the shallowness and its weakness. It is so disperse, it is so random that I cant see the connection. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart how unsettled I am.  I dont want to be in constant existential crisis anymore.  Everyone else is moving, while im still stucked in multi-dimentional maze that I create myself. 

The more I find myself, the more it consumes me. Once i finally realized what makes my mind ticks, I become greedy for freedom of exploration. This complexities that yearns to be understood, has
been just an unexisted ideals that no one bother to care. I guess everyone is battling their own complexities that it remains a sacred place, with no idea on how to resolve it. It was no one's fault. It's a test. With God's watching.

It was finally clear to me how unfitted my system of belief. People said, I am in my own fantasy. People said, i complicates simple things. People said, I am indecisive.  People said, why are you so alone? People said, why are you making things harder for yourself? People said, have you ever think on how to solve it? People said, why are you so stubborn?  People said, dont just dwell in sadness, do something! 

I was just saving my own little world. A place where ideas are floating but it is so abstract, it become superficial and weird. It was my own kind of escapism but then I realized maybe I was just running away. Everytime I write this kind of things, I feel so stupid it hurts. But now, it seems to make sense. Why am I here, it does make sense. For the time i think I dont want something, I need it. Why, with all feelings in this world, do I even need these thoughts? Have it ever done me good? It is even necessary to have this? Why, instead of bringing me to one solution, it only brings me more problems and questions?  

A distorted me. I think im stucked in this labyrinth that consumes me in imaginary unnecessary thoughts. I am trapped in a box. I experienced a wide range of feelings. Ive become sensitive to surrounding without ive ever want to. I have tried to understand the surrounding to the moment ive slowly become transparent. What is my thoughts about this? What is the thing that I like? What is the thing that i hate about? Why can't i decide? It is because i've lost touch to reality? I want my feet back onto the ground. I want to want what i want. I want to feel the presence of a real presence. I want to fall in love with a real thing, and to see it, probably outside of the wall of my labyrinth. What it is that Im so blind to. I dont want to dwell so much on the silence and unspoken things anymore.

I want my life back. I questions a lot of things in life, but I realised it was always on the same topic, complexities. If these things are a burden, maybe its time to stop and say goodbye to this peculiar world and start living my life. I think the bravest thing I did in this stupid shitty quest is to reveal to the world, what is my real deep emotions, and see what's wrong with this that i need to change. This involves my pride. My shitty attitude wont fade away but I promised I look on life better after this. It is sad actually to know how you see the world is wrong. But if it is for a good cause, then i would, eventually. I want to dictate my own life. It is time to accept the fact that this is the kind of life Ive been living to, and it is beautiful.

I think it is all about patience. I need to reshuffle back my life, I need to reorganize back the things that are so scattered before. I have to learn not to exaggerate in emotions and although we're living in the same world, we have different perception of realities. And that's okay. You can hate me. You can diss me, its okay. I will accept that. It is in my ignorance that I did something very unusual. It is in my ignorance I kept on hurting people. You dont have to stay if you cant. But I have my reasons.

It is okay. You've done great. For the moment you are alone and confused, is when you'll become alive and everything starts to clear again. It is now the time to take back every pieces that scattered on the floor to form a sculpture of beautiful you again. It is okay. You dont need to be sad. Everything will be fine. You just need to work harder, play it smarter, will you?"

I keep this writing as it is. Some grammatical errors over here, over there, but I want my feelings back then to be preserved. It's the feeling of realizing how ignorant you are. Resetting everything again. But still, I'm ever changing. We're all are. Truth is, the real life dont get this messy or dramatic.  This abstract thoughts, will probably be gone years later. I'll probably realize what's wrong with me later on. I'll probably dismiss this. 

But I will never forget how it changes me.